I tried.I tried and tried and tried.Don't deny that ..please.I tried so hard..harder than anything, harder than anyone.But why can't i do it..? i tried.I know i did.I just know it.I did fucking tried but people don't understand.You don't understand.Nobody understands that i tried.I really did.What's wrong ? What went wrong ? Why is it always wrong ? Is it me ? Is it me ? .Why am i here ? You know ? No ? i don't too.i have Physics tomorrow..yeah..i'm not supposed to be here..not suppose to.Nope.i tried yesterday and the day before and the day before and the day before and before.i tried.Mom said i tried...i did ? But she didn't look too happy, did she ? No, don't tell them i'm lazy.Don't compare me with her..with them..Why can't you see i'm ME..and that i've tried ? No.please..stupidity is a curse.And stupidity is what i have.Even stupidity mocks me for succumbing to it.Maybe the phrase 'think positive' never exist in the first place.Positive people are bimbos in denial, really.i didn't outdo myself..i swear.I didn't overworked.I didn't want to get stressed.I didn't want to.But she says its my fault.MY FAULT.My fault that i knew i tried but didn't tried hard enough.For her.Or for myself.if i cry over split milk, can i gather them back into the jar again ? can i at least make ammends for what i did and what i didn't ? 

I want to die so badly at times.But i can't.I don't dare to.I'm so pathetic.Maybe i should wait for some samaritans to murder me.I'll be selfish and die.When i was selfish enough to keep things to myself, no one complaint did they ?
Don't tell me it's no big deal.Don't tell me to never give up.Don't tell me to do what i've been trying to do but failed over and over again.I've been going through this since i was 8 so don't fucking tell me to become something i just can't !
I can't control it.The essense of hatred just keeps brewing deep inside and if i were to let it all out, the earth will turn to hell.Why am i confused ? Why am i caught between an act of delusion where everything i held on brittles and slipped off my grasp and the reality where i stand as a person with a tiny pinch of bitter hope towards life ?  

I like smiling a lot.And sometimes i smile so hard because i'm afraid i'm going to lose it someday.
I tried to smile today.I wanted to smile today.

And i did.

...but it made me feel bitter.

and now i can't smile anymore.